The truth will set you free...

Try Blogging....again??

2008-07-30T23:33:00.002-04:00

I think I will:) Reason being is that I have had the most incredibly difficult time just being contemplative and processing my thoughts lately. And, I've been neglecting my journal...so, perhaps this will be a helpful way to "get it all out"...it works for my sister and we seem to both enjoy writing.
Lately, I do feel somewhat stuck inside....not unhappy, actually quite happy....but just like I am just going throughout the events of the day and not really experiencing or recognizing what is happening in and through me. I hate that.

And, maybe this will be a way for all my friends far away to know about this big move to "the D". But, it's not all about me....let me know how you are too:)

Now, I should sleep.
Processing comes later.

Thoughts on Love::

2007-10-29T19:55:00.000-04:00

Today was a strange day....it was full, very full- yet not so productive.
I've been thinking about love and what a risk it is to truly open your heart to someone. Doesn't it make sense that if you open your heart to passionately loving a person that you open your heart to the possibility of being wrecked beyond imagination.

I have someone really special in my life right now and we have done a whole lot of talking about the fears that come with what it means to really love another.

I've been hurt before and believe me...there are not many days that go by that I don't think about how the safer route would be just to not let anyone in, no one gets into that intimate, vulnerable side of me.

But, then I have to ask myself....What kind of existance is that? Yes, I can choose that route, but then I will never experience the fullness, the richness, the passion that comes with allowing another to love me in my most hidden places....allowing another to love me with the depth of soul that I desire to be loved with.

If I choose to run away for fear of being broken, then where does that lead me? Other than to a life of isolation & lonliness.

I believe wholeheartedly that it is worth the risk & this is where God comes into play: experience tells me that God is faithful. He will not leave us. He has been faithful to tend to my broken heart in the past and I trust him to take care of me when my heart is broken again (as I am sure that it will be).

God is truly faithful.

Check out this song by Sara Groves, it goes with all these ponderings about love:
Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing
It takes some time to see things through
Sometimes things change, sometimes we're waiting
We need grace either way
Hold on to me I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

There's a lot of pain in reaching out and trying
It's a vulnerable place to be
Love and pride can't occupy the same spaces baby Only one makes you free
Hold on to me I'll hold on to you
Let's find out the beauty of seeing things through

If we go looking for offense We're going to find it
If we go looking for real love We're going to find it

Loving a person just the way they are, it's no small thing.
It's the whole thing

I love driving in my car at night and just listening to this song over and over again...it propels me into an endless cycle of contemplations, but that's not really uncommon for me.

But, this idea of loving someone just as they are: I love how the artist says...."it's no small thing, it's the whole thing".

it's just a beautiful little song that resonates with my spirit & challenges me to take the risk that comes with falling in love. I still have faith in the power of our heart and soul to bring healing and freedom, simply by loving someone just the way that they are.

Sunday

2007-10-21T13:30:00.000-04:00

Man, I suck at Blogging! I don't know what happened?! I suppose working and taking 3 classes is what happened. I feel like I don't have time right now to process or think- which is totally not a good thing for my mental state.

Today, I am reading for anatomy and physiology about the respiratory system and then I have to work all night at STATUS. I'm really loving STATUS, which is surprising b/c i used to judge it and think it was just the trendy thing to be a part of. But, it's been a gift to me.

So much as been going on... God has been pursuing me and asking me to pursue him back. I hate how much I negect him. I hate how difficult it is for me to live in consistent intimacy with him.

You know another thing I hate?! How much I care about what other people think of me. I'd like to think I don't and most of the time I say that I don't, but I so do.
I was thinking this morning about how much mental energy I spend worrying about letting people down or disappointing people. These are people who I truly care about. And, I think it's important that their opinion matters to me, but yet....it shouldn't haunt me in the way that it does. It shouldn't stress me out and make me feel insecure. I hate that so much. B/c the reality is (just as my mom always told me)---I am going to let people down, that's just a fact of life. I want learn to appreciate the times when things get "MESSY" in relationships....I think I can see the benefit from growth that comes from it, but I want to learn to appreciate it in a way that I don't fear it so much.

Back to Blogging...

2007-10-11T15:25:00.000-04:00

A few months ago, I was deep in a dark pit of depression & just couldn't seem to get a hold of my emotions. I clung to Jesus & as usual....he was faithful. But, the last couple of days I have been asking myself this question: "Can I relate to God outside of crisis in my life"?
It seems that I vascillate between desperately needing him and going before him to just living my life (and he is relatively absent)....Perhaps this is the human condition, but I hate it. I want more for my life. I want more for my soul and spirit. I want to see change, growth, and depth of character that knows what it is to be in constant communion with the Holy Spirit.
It's a goal worth fighting for, I think...

Today I was driving and heard a song that my friend had played for me for the first time a few months back. I was crying a lot those days....I had just been crying & my face was red and puffy. We were driving in her car & she silently reached over and grabbed my hand and pressed play on this song:
It's going to be alright
I can tell by your eyes that you're not getting any sleep
And you try to rise above it, but feel you're sinking in too deep
Oh, oh I believe, I believe that It's going to be alright
It's going to be alright
I believe you'll outlive this pain in you heart
And you'll gain such a strength from what is tearing you apart
Oh, oh I believe I believe that It's going to be alright
When some time has past us, and the story if retold
It will mirror the strength and the courage in your soul
I did not come here to offer you clichÈ's
I will not pretend to know of all your pain
Just when you cannot, then I will hold out faith, for you
It's going to be alright

I remember that moment and I am thankful for it. It gives me faith for what is to come.

Thankful

2007-10-01T13:24:00.000-04:00

So, last night at church we had baptism & it was pretty amazing. Except for the fact that I had to be the one to hold the microphone so that people could say their name and why they were being baptized. I had major anxiety over electrecuting someone (including my boss).

I was brought to tears by so many of the people who publicly professed why they were being baptized....saying things like "I've lived in bondage for way too long & I want my life back".
It's just crazy how easy it is to forget what God has done----just even the simplicity of His salvation and how unworthy we are of it. I don't remember that fervor for Jesus, that excitement over declaring that Jesus saved me. I so easily forget. I hate that.

Last night, we were challenged to call to mind what we are thankful for & honestly---it took me a while, but as I meditated I thought....at this very moment in my life- I am thankful for forgiveness.

For the power in God's forgiveness of me b/c I feel so black much of the time....especially lately & for the power he has given me to forgive. What a miracle.....what a miracle it is to let go.

Grey's World

2007-09-27T21:39:00.001-04:00

Grey's Anatomy started back up tonight...I was addicted to that show last year.
I missed it tonight, but I have it recorded:)

I thought i'd share a good quote from early last season:
Callie to George:
"I'm out of my element here. I break bones for a living, I used to live in the basement, most days I wear last night's eyeliner to work, and I don't give a crap about what other people think of me. Because I'm a happily independent and successful woman and I like it that way, only when you say stuff like this, it just makes things too hard.

So please, don't chase me anymore, unless you're ready to catch me."

Henri's Wise Words

2007-09-26T13:14:00.000-04:00

I wish I could claim this as mine....but it's Henri Nouwen's.
I'm praying right now that the truth of God's love can replace the anger that I feel.

Allow Yourself to Be Fully Received:
Giving yourself to others without expecting anything in return is only possible when you have been fully received. Every time you discover that you expect something in return for what you have given or are disappointed when nothing comes back to you, you are being made aware that you yourself are not fully received.

Only when you know yourself as unconditionally loved--that is, fully received--by God can you give gratuitously. Giving without wanting anything in return is trusting that all your needs will be provided for by the One who loves you unconditionally. It is trusting that you do not need to protect your own security but can give yourself completely to the service of others.

Faith is precisely trusting that you who give gratuitously will receive gratuitously, but not necessarily from the person to whom you gave. The danger is in pouring yourself out to others in hope that they will fully receive you.

You will soon feel as if others are walking away with parts of you.
You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.

A lot of giving and receiving has a violent quality, because the givers and receivers act more out of need than out of trust. What looks like generosity is actually manipulation, and what looks like love is really a cry for affection or support.

When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other's capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the other's capacity to give.
You will be grateful for what is given to you without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love.

Lead me to the cross

2007-09-12T13:19:00.001-04:00

Read these lyrics:
Listen to this song by Hillsong:

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as loss

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of my self
I belong to You
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and tried
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin in death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

The words of this song and the musician's voice speaks to my spirit. It draws me into Jesus...it's beautiful. I love music...the gift of music and the supernatural power of it.

For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God.
1 Cor. 1:18

To Live is Christ

2007-09-10T18:21:00.000-04:00

So, I was driving home last night in silence, which I have been doing a lot of the time lately b/c I have been stuck in this fog...
As I said before, I have had so many thoughts going in and out of my head, but I just feel that they are all very cyclical and I go nowhere with them....very unproductive. So, in my silence, out-of-nowhere, came this statement- "To live is Christ and to die is gain", as said by the Apostle Paul.
My initial thought is, "Really?!"....did he really live like that? Did he really have that kind of faith? I mean....I guess it must be true since he became a martyr. I don't know, perhaps I am just jaded, but I feel like that is just so foreign and if I said "to live is Christ and to die is gain" (which I have said in the past many times) then I would just be faking it b/c my life does not reflect that as a truth.
Take the first part of it: To live is Christ- just Jesus....
Then, why do I feel that I am just existing, just going through the motions.
Why do I feel purposeless much of the time? Why am I so terribly affected by another individual's rejection? Why do I need the attention and affection of others so much and worse than that, why is much of how I feel in any given moment regulated by that?
Frustrating.
So, if I am regulated by others, then Christ is not my everything....to live is not Christ. I know, perhaps this is perfection and we cannot get there this side of eternity, but I just found myself last night asking God to know what that kind of faith is like. Perhaps I am being too hard on myself, but I feel that I just want more.

I want to honestly be able to say that Jesus really is my life AND for that to actually make a difference in how I live my life and how I feel about my life.

thoughts...

2007-09-05T10:15:00.000-04:00

well, there's so much on my mind that it's hard to get any of it out. I've been trying all morning to "be still" since the days are numbered where I will actually have time to even do that.
anyways, it's so difficult to quiet my mind and then sometimes I try to hard that it feels so unnatural and contrived. I hate that feeling.

I was in a wedding this weekend of a good friend of mine & I didn't want to go to it at first b/c I was just "in a bad place" & the thought of being around people that I had to make small talk with was so annoying. However, it turned out to be a surprisingly great weekend. I shared a condo with these girls that I had never met before who live on the west coast and we just all really connected. It was so authentic, and I felt loved by God thru them this past weekend. We were all talking how cool it was to be strangers and then to find this unique connection with one another just b/c of Jesus.

AND- the wedding was just so great....It reminded me what love should look like & how I have sold myself short so many times thinking that I could never "get that" kind of love. I have never really been one to believe that there is just one person out there for you, but I dont know....now I've been thinking about it and reconsidering. You can try and try with so many people (and I Have) and then perhaps you find that one and it just works...deep, authentic, passionate love just works. You know? Maybe I am wrong, but I'd like to believe that and wait for that.
I realize that so many times, I would have settled for less, ahhh.......it's so strange the sovereignty of God and how He literally RIPS us out of what we say we want and what we think is good....all for something great (I hope)

That's what my mentor always says: "sometimes what keeps us from something great is settling for something good"

The Inner Voice of Love

2007-09-03T22:40:00.000-04:00

I have been reading this book by Henri Nouwen. It is his private journal entries on his journey from anguish to freedom.
It's phenomenal. It's raw. It's encouraging.

Here's something I liked:

Love Deeply:

Do not hesitate to love and to love deeply. You might be afraid of the pain that deep love can cause. When those you love deeply reject you, leave you, or die, your heart will be broken. But that should not hold you back from loving deeply. The pain that comes from deep love makes your love ever more fruitful. It is like a plow that breaks the ground to allow the seed to take root and grow into a strong plant. Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds.

The more you have loved and have allowed yourself to suffer because of your love, the more you will be able to let your heart grow wider and deeper. When your love is truly giving and receiving, those whom you love will not leave your heart even when they depart from you. They will become part of your self and thus gradually build a community within you.

Those you have loved deeply become a part of you. The longer you live, there will always be more people to be loved by you and to become a part of your inner community.

The wider your inner community becomes, the more easily you will recognize your own brothers and sisters in the strangers around you. Those who are alive within you will recognize those who are alive around you. The wider the community of your heart, the wider the community around you. Thus, the pain of rejection, absence, and death can become fruitful. Yes, as you love deeply the ground of your heart will be broken more and more, but you will rejoice in the abundance of the fruit it will bear.

no title-

2007-08-29T22:50:00.000-04:00

I feel like I'm in a fog.

It's strange....a couple of weeks ago when I was really, really deep in the thick of a situation that was very painful----I felt more alive.
Of course, it was a feeling that I did not want to feel----pain and sorrow, but- during those few weeks, I was connecting with my soul on a level that is not typical & I feel like I have managed to lose it.

Now, I feel this strange disconnect that I know so well, and I wish I knew how to get it back without having to go through inner agony. I suppose this is why God allows suffering in our lives b/c it brings us to a point of authenticity that does not come naturally. But, we can't stay there....
right?

I hate the monotony of life. I hate "going through the motions", yet that's where I find myself, and I don't really have much motivation to "pull myself out".
I wonder if that's just a coping mechanism for pain... a form of denial. I don't know, but I really just want to feel. I want to connect.
I don't know if I am making any sense, but you know when you know.....I mean- You just know when your soul feels alive.

Now, from a whole spiritual, doctrinal side- I realize that I have Christ within my soul and therefore it is alive. I recognize that as truth, but I long to feel it on a more consistent basis. I have faith in that truth and sometimes that's all there is to go on. There's a lot of "me" in there- blocking out the new life.

Sometimes I think I am just an idealist or I romanticize everything b/c I want everything to have meaning, to have purpose, to have a depth of feeling....
There must be something good in this b/c it seems to be the way that I was wired....however, sometimes it feels like a curse.

I think this post sounds pretty depressing.
It's just where I am...
a place of longing.

Finally Free?

2007-08-24T22:48:00.000-04:00

I've been listening to this song and meditating on the words over and over again, just longing to actually live in the freedom that I have been given....

Finally Free - Nichole Nordeman

No chain is strong enough
No choice is wrong enough
No mountain high enough that He
can't climb

No shadow dark enough
No night is black enough
No road is lost enough that He can't find

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

No pain is deep enough
No heart could bleed enough
Nothing but Jesus' love can make a way

And if the Son has set us free
Then we must be, free indeed
Let the chains fall away, starting today
Everything has changed
I'm finally free

It's been a while

2007-08-21T09:38:00.001-04:00

So, I was totally on a roll with this whole blogging thing and now I just hit a wall!
Typically- I have written things that I am learning and I fear this might mean I have taken a temporary break from "learning"---yikes!

Not really.....but I do just kinda feel like I am "existing" right now. Ewwww, I HATE that I think more than anything. I'm big into being intentional and purposeful and continually trying to grow----yes, I am way too overanalytical.

Maybe I just need this break, maybe it's good for me....

so, until next time....

The Battle

2007-08-16T18:57:00.001-04:00

You have to check this video out. It is crazy!!! It is taken from Kruger National Park in South Africa (where I just was) & it is a fight involving a pride of lions, a herd of buffalo, a crocodile, and a baby calf.

My counselor actually told me about this video and recommended that I check out b/c of the imagery that it represents.

This video is really cool to watch, but it also just made me think about stuff...about something deeper here.

The first thing that I thought about is the importance of having people "in your corner" to fight for you when you are overpowered, weak, and being taken down. I have friends like that, but I often will still isolate myself and not call out for help b/c of my fears, or shame for what I am struggling with.

Then, there's this picture of a "battle", and I think that we fail to recognize how serious and imminent the spirit of darkness is. As you see in this video, the calf is being pulled from all different directions by those who are seeking to destroy him & it looks so hopeless...until his own kind come back for him.

I do not live my life guarded against the enemy and I believe that I often suffer the consequences b/c I let him pull at me from all different directions....but, remember Psalm 18?
He will turn the whole world upside down to rescue me!

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.1 Peter 5:8

You Never Let Go.

2007-08-14T00:31:00.000-04:00

Psalm 18:
1 I love you, Lord;
you are my strength.
2 The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior;
my God is my rock, in whom I find protection.
He is my shield, the power that saves me,
and my place of safety.
3 I called on the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and he saved me from my enemies.

4 The ropes of death entangled me;
floods of destruction swept over me.
5 The grave wrapped its ropes around me;
death laid a trap in my path.
6 But in my distress I cried out to the Lord;
yes, I prayed to my God for help.
He heard me from his sanctuary;
my cry to him reached his ears.

7 Then the earth quaked and trembled.
The foundations of the mountains shook;
they quaked because of his anger.
8 Smoke poured from his nostrils;
fierce flames leaped from his mouth.
Glowing coals blazed forth from him.
9 He opened the heavens and came down;
dark storm clouds were beneath his feet.
10 Mounted on a mighty angelic being, he flew,
soaring on the wings of the wind.
11 He shrouded himself in darkness,
veiling his approach with dark rain clouds.
12 Thick clouds shielded the brightness around him
and rained down hail and burning coals.
13 The Lord thundered from heaven;
the voice of the Most High resounded
amid the hail and burning coals.
14 He shot his arrows and scattered his enemies;
his lightning flashed, and they were greatly confused.
15 Then at your command, O Lord,
at the blast of your breath,
the bottom of the sea could be seen,
and the foundations of the earth were laid bare.

16 He reached down from heaven and rescued me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
17 He rescued me from my powerful enemies,
from those who hated me and were too strong for me.
18 They attacked me at a moment when I was in distress,
but the Lord supported me.
19 He led me to a place of safety;
he rescued me because he delights in me.

This is one of my favorite Psalms & for many reasons. However, today I was meditating on it and a new picture came to me. You know when the Lord is just repeatedly trying to get a point across to you and He just sends you truth over and over and over and over again....until the light clicks....and then He gives you the truth again, just to be sure?

Well, it's like what I wrote about last night...it's his grace.

This idea that He is FOR ME (for us), even when we do not deserve it.

Anyways, back to the Psalm- Like I said, I have loved this passage for many reasons, but there was a new part today that spoke to me and it's a picture of the fierce rescue of the Savior....the fight for the one He loves.

The scripture sets it up beautifully- he hears our cries and the foundations of the earth shake...The Lord thundered from heaven.

The Father God, the Lover God literally turns the whole earth upside down to "show up" for our rescue.

The timing of this beautiful picture is unreal...it's supernatural b/c I have been struggling with a deep sorrow of being "unwanted". A new grief that I am struggling with for the first time....even though it has been there for a really long time....just deep under the surface.

Father God makes me feel wanted with this imagery. He did not have to use David to paint this picture for us....but He's an artist....an artist that uses imagery to convince us over and over again----even when we doubt over and over again....to convince us....to convince me that I am worthy of being wanted.

I don't have to fight for it anymore.
I am wanted.

you are wanted.

honesty feels good.

2007-08-12T23:41:00.000-04:00

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

Here are the lyrics to the song that we sang at church tonight & now---at a quarter to midnight, I find myself laying in my bed just listening to it over and over again...and over again.
I'm desperate to truly believe that....to truly be transformed by the reality that Jesus never lets go of me, that he takes away my fears & i truly have nothing to be afraid of b/c of His love.

You know when you just KNOW something is true in your head but you just can't seem to grasp that truth in your heart?

God is really dealing with me. Some real issues that I don't want to face about myself & it hurts like hell.

He doesn't feel "enough" to me....even though I know in my head that he is. I keep telling myself that, but I can't seem to wrap my heart around it.

I'm zoning in on that part in the song where it says "I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on"----tonight I feel that way. I don't even know if I am really holding onto him, I guess I am b/c there's nothing else, but I literally feel him holding on to my heart tonight---holding on to me and saying-----"laurie, I'm not letting go, I'm not through with you....I've got something more..."
I don't know that I've ever felt his grasp so much. And let me just say one more time....let me let you into my rebellious heart....it doesn't even want him right now....it wants something else, it wants someone else....something or someone to take away the momentary fear...the momentary pain....it doesn't even want him, yet he's holding onto me so tight. I guess that's grace. I know that's grace.

Someone once said that grace was an invitation to be beautiful...I think it was Sara Groves. She's right.
It's an invitation out of the filth....out of the momentary, except right now it doesn't even feel like an invitation...it feels like He's literally pulling me up and out (invitation or not) and saying....

"You will not go back there---i'm not letting go....
I'm not done with you."

grace.
I'm so unworthy.

Love is a higher law

2007-08-11T15:40:00.001-04:00

Forgiven

2007-08-11T03:36:00.000-04:00

India says it best:

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

~India.Arie

Should I get a dog?

2007-08-09T21:41:00.000-04:00

This is what she looked like....

Am I ready for this step???
For this commitment?
I spent an hour at the pet store today holding a little baby "Puggle"....she was so adorable.

I told myself that whenever I get a dog...I'm going to the shelter, but I think I'm in love with her.

I sorda feel like I am betraying my dogs that I grew up with.
Who knew this would be such a difficult decision.

:)

Where I've been

2007-08-07T22:06:00.000-04:00

So, the last month has been pretty interesting. I was looking back over my journals and then my blogs at my thoughts and feelings and here is something that I wrote the night before I left for Africa:

"I have to "let go" of everything that I think I want & I have to say I'm empty & I am desperate for you to come in and rip me apart and put me back together again."

I remember praying that, obviously with no knowledge of how God would actually do that. So, here goes the recap:

Went to Africa, led a group of 14 other people....the majority of them were older than me & I dealt with confrontations, conflicts, anxieties and fears in a whole new way...in a new element that stretched me unlike any other experience that I've ever had. It was quite terrifying at times.
Came home from Africa terribly sick....lost 12 pounds in 14 days, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, had no energy....uhhh, I was in a black hole.
Literally thought I was dying----always the drama queen:)
Knew I had to "get over" my ex-boyfriend....didn't realize how much I had been holding on until I found out that he had moved on to someone new.
Heartbreak. Rejection. Grief.
Rude awakening to how much security I had actually placed in that relationship.
I need "Codependents Anonymous".
I need Jesus.
Moved to Gainesville.
Stayed 3 nights. Realized I couldn't move there....how humiliating....I had moved there for him, not me.
That's scary.
I need Jesus.
Move back to Orlando after 3 nights in Gainesville
No job, no house, what am I doing?
Baby Kael (my nephew) had a seizure and we don't know why.
Thoughts cross my mind....what if he dies?
"God, I can't take much more---are you serious?"
Terrifying.
Walked into the hospital room to see my 5 month old nephew crying with wires coming out of his head from all directions.
Terrifying.
I need Jesus.

So, is this what being ripped apart in a 3 week span looks like? I believe that I have gotten through the worst, and He has shown Himself more real to me than ever before in my short 24 years.

Today, something cool happened and it reminded me that these crazy, heartbreaking, scary times take us to a place that bring us back on our knees....back to a place of just simple faith---b/c nothing else makes sense.

So, here's what happened: I was driving my 4 year old nephew to the hospital to see his baby brother, and we were listening to worship songs. He was singing so loud.
Then, when there was a break in the song---he said-
"Laurie, I love God more than anyone in the whole world!"
and I said----"Why is that?"

....silence....

He responded, "What do you mean? b/c He's our God."

Simple faith. Innocent words. This is just where I need to be.

Now, put me back together again.

Journaling

2007-08-04T01:06:00.001-04:00

So, I read through an old journal---and I had this prayer in it to God...a "desperate" prayer, for very specific things.
And, tonight I realized that my reality right now was the answer to those specific prayers...except it didn't turn out exactly like I wanted it to when I prayed them.

Crazy how that happens! So, I must trust God. I must believe him that this is his answer.

I asked for an answer a few months back, I got an answer, and now I must learn to live with it.

That prayer is my lifeline right now....I can look back on it and realize that God is faithful, God is sovereign, He knows what he's doing....even when it hurts like hell.

Sometimes it's worth the pain

2007-08-01T23:39:00.000-04:00

We say, then, to anyone who is under trial, give Him time to steep the soul in His eternal truth. Go into the open air, look up into the depths of the sky, or out upon the wideness of the sea, or on the strength of the hills that is His also; or, if bound in the body, go forth in the spirit; spirit is not bound. Give Him time and, as surely as dawn follows night, there will break upon the heart a sense of certainty that cannot be shaken. --Amy Carmichael

Suffering:

Why do we run from it? Especially when we have been told that it is in adversity that we find ourselves?

I am such a wimp when it comes to pain. I have always thought of myself as a very "soulful" person, a woman that lives from her heart....a heart that is full of so many different emotions. So, why do I feel that I have the right to dictate exactly what emotions that I will "allow" myself to live in? I'll take love, passion, joy, peace, ect.
But, when it comes to heartbreak, torment, sorrow....I question everything and immediately frantically search for a method to soothe my pain, usually this just results in bandadging a wound that will resurface again somewhere down the line.

So, in this latest walk through sorrow, Jesus has been showing me that it's okay to be in pain. He understands so much...He has great empathy. I mean, even just the picture of the cross....What is it?
Unimaginable physical suffering, not to mention the spiritual element that was going on as Jesus literally felt the weight of the sins of the world on his chest. It must have been difficult to breath.
I find it hard to breath sometimes when I am trying to make a big decision.....ahhh, why I am so quick to believe the lie that I am all alone in my suffering??

Anyways, back to the picture of the cross....he endured, he was patient, and he willfully subjected himself to the pain. And, what came after the pain?

LIFE!
a free life...

That's what he has been saying to me....
Walk through it, don't try to run from it, don't try to medicate it, just feel it

then comes freedom.

In this world you will have tribulation, but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world. --Jesus Christ

Promises kept

2007-07-31T00:26:00.000-04:00

I keep listening to that Natalie Grant song from a few posts back...it's speaking to my soul right now. You do not promise me a life that would all make sense or that it would be easy, you do not promise me answers to my never-ending questions, you do not promise me happiness, you do not promise me freedom from pain...

Aren't I supposed to be seeking to become like Jesus? The "man of sorrows"? Once again, you do not promise that my life will be free of pain and suffering and sorrow.

You have only promised to love me through my pain.
You have only promised to never abandon me in my pain.
You have only promised that when what I know falls apart....

You will hold me.

Promise of Freedom

2007-07-30T11:47:00.000-04:00

Psalm 84:11
"For the Lord God is a sun and a shield; The Lord bestows favor and honor.
No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."

Thank you God.

Does life just keep getting harder?

2007-07-28T11:58:00.001-04:00

That's what they tell me...
I've been trying to journal for like the last 5 hours and I can't----so, I am going to on here. You know, this is my little way to communicate to my little world and as I have said before....there's some strange comfort in knowing that I'm writing to "someone"----it's like it makes it more real, more valid.

I'm hurting. There's been stuff going on in my life recently----really not recently, more like the last year & I feel like I subjectified myself to a lot of unneccessary bondage and pain and I'm just in the thick of it and don't really understand it's purpose. I'm choosing to believe that there is some purpose, but right now I just cannot see it.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how Beth Moore responds when people ask her why she loves Jesus so much and she just says one word- "desperation".
It's strange b/c when I wrote that a few weeks ago....I thought I couldn't handle much more....yet God gave me more.

More pain in my life that just makes me desperate for him. You'd think I was dying of cancer or something....sometimes I feel guilty for the pain that I feel in my soul, but I guess the Lord gives each of us something, someone, or whatever that just pushes us to him.

I don't even know if I wrote about this or not, but this whole concept of "desperation" has made me think about God's mercy and just his sheer desire to be intimate with us.
Like, I say to him...."ive tried everyone and everything else and once again i find myself
empty-handed, so I'm coming back to you- help me-

I'm desperate" & I hear his voice say in my soul:
"I'll take it"

That thought shatters me....brings me to a place of humility unlike any other. Just that Jesus would say- "you're what I want & even if you can't love me like i love you, that's okay---I'll take anything you can give me right now b/c I just want you".

I guess this is what they call an epiphany (is that how you spell it?)

And, right now....that's the only purpose that i can see for my pain....b/c that thought alone makes me fall on my face and want HIM more &

isn't that what this life is all about?

I think so...I think it's about finding God and his purpose in a shit-hole world....

That's enough for me right now, it gives me enough comfort right now
and I'll take that...

Some Pictures from Africa

2007-07-25T09:06:00.000-04:00

This is my baby: Fatini :) I love her & as you can see, she loved me.

Held by Natalie Grant

2007-07-24T21:44:00.001-04:00

Two months is too little.
They let him go.
They had no sudden healing.
To think that providence would
Take a child from his mother while she prays
Is appalling.

Who told us we'd be rescued?
What has changed and why should we be saved from nightmares?
We're asking why this happens
To us who have died to live?
It's unfair.

Chorus:
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

This hand is bitterness.
We want to taste it, let the hatred know our sorrow.
The wise hands opens slowly to lilies of the valley and tomorrow.

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Bridge:
If hope is born of suffering.
If this is only the beginning.
Can we not wait for one hour watching for our Savior?

(Chorus)
This is what it means to be held.
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive.
This is what it is to be loved.
And to know that the promise was
When everything fell we'd be held.

Let's be realistic

2007-07-23T18:57:00.000-04:00

I've been struggling with my reality lately.
I think we often believe what we want to believe about things or people in our lives, because it's often too difficult to face the truth. The truth-to me- often seems overwhelming & paralyzing.

This is why it's so tempting to live in a false reality...it's much more comfortable & safe----more than that....it's controllable. Isn't that what we want? To be in control?
I do.

So, what about the truth sets you free? especially when much of the time it feels overwhelming, paralyzing & often terribly painful.

And, more than that---if the truth really sets you free....why am I so quick to run from my reality & turn to what I want to believe?

I think the thing that's so freeing about the truth is because you actually have no control & it frees you of the responsibility and burden of "perfecting" your life....although I still try like hell to "perfect" my life.

Of course, this idea doesn't really work if you are a relativist, meaning- you believe that all truth is relative.

For now, I'm just trying to come to terms with my reality and trust that someone wiser than me is in control.

Cheesy Christian Songs

2007-07-21T21:32:00.000-04:00

I'm such a snob. You know those songs by like Steven Curtis Chapman or I don't know, just about any song they play on the z88.3 in Orlando? Well, typically I can listen to a song once and if it rubs me the wrong way---I HATE IT....that's one of my personality flaws---at least we are talking about songs. Usually this can be a problem for me when it comes to certain people. ooopps

Anyways, so....remember that song "Blessed Be your name" ? For whatever reason, that song irks me. It always has. Maybe it's the uppity melody, maybe it's the fact that it is played over and over again on the z. I don't know....

But, God always has a way of humbling me with my judgemental arrogance (even if it's just about a silly song). So, this is what happened....I sorda had "a moment" with this song today. I was riding in the car with my sister & of course she is not nearly as snobbish about her music and she put on a cd with popular christian songs (probably a WOW07 cd). Anyways, so, I was riding in the backseat and it was her car and her music....so I was forced to listen to the song. Yes, I have heard this song, yes, I know it well, but it sounded different to me today.

The words got me & all of the sudden----out of nowhere--- I suddenly had tears coming down my face.
This is what I was thinking:
Right now, I am struggling. Right now, I am dealing with some stuff that is making my heart hurt & I don't understand it at all. Yet, right now Jesus has not left me. Right now, Jesus is still the same. the same God....
That thought struck me.
I want to be the kind of disciple of Jesus who can truly say: "Lord, you are good. Just because".----even when my heart is heavy and full of pain.

Blessed be your name because of you, not because of me.

I went through this phase in my relationship with Jesus when I thought that was just a Christianyyy way of glazing over the real issues and copping out of how you were really feeling about something.
Like- by just saying- "God you are good all the time. All the time, you are good"---is a free pass to not having to talk about what's "really going on". And, you know- I still think that is true in certain cases.

However, I feel like I have entered a new season of my relationship with Jesus...it's one where I am honest about how I am feeling with him---even when I am frustrated and mad at him.
However, I feel like I can bring those feelings to Him and BECAUSE he is good, because he is full of grace & love and BECAUSE he is not shifted nor controlled by my feelings or circumstances.....I can then trust him with those feelings and have faith in Him as I say---"my life sucks right now, but I Choose to believe you. I choose to believe that you don't suck"

Get it?

So, I don't get this fully, but I want to b/c I believe this brings a whole new depth to the relationship with Christ.
It's one where-----your circumstances or the pain in your life might make you focus on yourself, yet, despite all this you can choose to turn your eyes to Jesus. So, therefore- the focus shifts from you and turns to Jesus.

My heart might be heavy, but my faith is not controlled by my feelings of heaviness. You are still the same God. You have not changed and you will carry me through.
This is being a disciple (i think so) and this takes discipline.

Now, can I just go into something else? This is something that bothers me about myself and so many christians in my life-----lack of discipline.

Discipline means choosing to do something that is difficult or that DOES NOT come naturally.

And, I just feel like so many christians bring in the worldly(for lack of a better word) concept of "my rights" into the relationship with Jesus, and that just doesn't add up.
When you embrace this fixation of "your rights", then there's really no room for discipline or for making a choice to do something that's hard or choosing to believe what's difficult to believe.

Why would there be need for discipline when you can't see past your own rights??? Your own entitlement.
I feel like a lot of christians (myself at the top of the list) waste a lot of time and energy here....

just a thought.

Packing up my life:

2007-07-20T13:17:00.001-04:00

I'm moving back to Gainesville....where my alma mater is. I don't even really know why I am moving back.....it's strange....it's just an alternative to where I have been living (with my parents), but lately I have been asking God "why?". I know there is something in store for me there, but I am not quite sure what.
I have friends and a church there & yes- that is reason enough, but I think on this next year and I get excited b/c I feel there much be something rich in store. I am not even sure why I feel that way. Do you ever feel that way? It's just a "feeling".

It's scary. I'm turning 25 in November & I feel like I still don't have a good grasp on "where my life is going"....is that alright? I keep telling myself that it is okay.

Right now, I'm trying to just have faith for the moment.

Veils

2007-07-19T05:58:00.000-04:00

Jet-lag again, wow- I have never had it this bad! I wouldn't mind this changing my sleeping habits permanently b/c I wish I went to bed earlier and woke up earlier.

So, Veils---this title comes from a song that I listened to over and over again in Africa as I sought to meet with God. You know songs that just bring you into His presence and yet they are just a confession b/c they articulate EXACTLY what you are feeling on the inside.

When I think about a Veil---I typically think of a wedding veil and whether or not I will have one or not when my wedding day comes. haha...ahh the depth.

Anyways, the definition of a Veil is:
head covering: a garment that covers the head and face

I often just long to look at Jesus, to hear Jesus, to speak to Jesus, to think on Jesus.....yet how often it is just so difficult for me. This song has led me to think of the "veils" in my life that have prohibited me from looking at Jesus, from hearing Jesus, from speaking to Jesus, and from thinking on Jesus.

I'd say that the veils that instantly come to mind are: myself & my comforts, my desire.....other people....my fears....my control issues to "make everything okay".....my complexities and inability to have simple faith.

I think there is not much more to be said. So, take a look at the lyrics:

Jesus, this is my confession. Draw me in. Strip me.

What will it take to be closer to You
Show me what stands in my way
Strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
You know that I want just to look at Your face

What can I give as I lay at Your throne
Is there a song to be sung
Search me all over my life is in Your hands
You know that I want to fall deeper in love with You

I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart

And strip away all of the veils on my heart Lord
And know that I just want to look at Your face
O Jesus Your beautiful face

I’m following hard after You
Lord You’re all that I need in my life
Show me what I need to do
To bring joy to Your heart

-Jason Morant "Veils"
***another great song by Jason---check out "Hosanna"

jet-lag

2007-07-18T06:28:00.000-04:00

I wish that I was sleeping, but I should be in Chirombo Village playing with little snot-nosed african kids!!!! Instead, I am laying in the dark in my comfortable bed in America.

Do you ever get to the point where you are just "over it"----I mean just like....God, what the hell do you want me to learn? I feel like I cannot be pushed to my limit anymore. there's no where else for me to go.

I'm sorda pissed at God. I guess this is okay b/c this is how David was in the Psalms----pleading with God. That's where I'm at.

whatever...

2007-07-16T19:58:00.000-04:00

Out of Africa

2007-07-16T14:38:00.000-04:00

Well, after two days of flying...I am back from Africa & I am pretty sure that I brought a parasite back with me. I've been sick for 4 days----"YIKES", but so has the rest of my team. I learned what it is to truly "rough it" as I was sick and forced to repeatedly use a pit latrine as a potty. Pretty disgusting, but I am really proud of myself:)

So, I have not really had a moment to "process" all that I learned or experienced on this trip, but there is one HUGE victory that I know I will walk away with...
It's about "being present"....this is something that I have always struggled with. Most trips like this or hard situations, I have found myself just constantly fighting homesickness and then just wishing the whole experience away.

It's like I am unable to fully "be" and experience life b/c I always somewhere else....perhaps in the past, but mostly in the future somewhere. This is something I hate about myself b/c I feel like it's robbing myself of truly living life....even living the shitty parts of life. So, about a year and a half ago---I started praying about it & asking for help from God.

Help to not only be physically present, but emotionally and spiritually present in any circumstances.
And.....during my time in Malawi....something supernatural happened....b/c I felt so free to just be there. To be in every feeling, every state of mind, and to take it all in and it's so nice to come out of a trip like that with no regrets b/c I fully engaged. This is a huge victory for me....b/c typically I am a "heart-driven" person....so, when I am struggling.....I usually shut down and disconnect.
anyways, I am really thankful for God's faithfulness with all this!
I will write more about the trip later...

G'day

Confessions:

2007-06-30T21:07:00.000-04:00

Well, I am leaving on a 6am flight for a 2-day trek to Malawi, Africa.

I'm the team leader of 13 other people & I feel terrified. Not because I am not prepared, but just because I feel so consumed right now. So empty.
I've had a really horrible couple of days...I'm having to grieve the loss of a very close person in my life & I literally feel like I cannot breath at the thought of it.

This is why I feel consumed....this is why I feel terrified. I just feel so inadequate.
This person has meant more to me than perhaps any single person has in my entire life & I do not know how to let go. Although you might think this person has died....they haven't...it's just that they have died to me OR at least what they were & it's so very hard to get any clarity right now.

I guess the good thing out of this whole situation is that I am absolutely BROKEN & I am stepping into a position over the next two weeks where I hope and pray that God Almighty rocks my life and turns it upside down and makes me new again.

I heard someone tell me that they asked Beth Moore why she loved Jesus so much & she responded with one word:
"Desperation"

That's how I feel. I confess that much of the time it's not even because I want to love Him....it's just because I am so desperate for something more than what everyone else has to offer. It's just that everything else has left me empty. I find myself in that place once again...that place of desperation. That place of inner agony b/c I have to "let go" of everything that I think I want & I have to say I'm empty & I am desperate for you to come in and rip me apart and put me back together again.

So, that's all.
I'll let you know what he does after two weeks in a foreign land.
Should be exciting.

Hopefully I will never have to take another standardized test again!!!

2007-06-19T23:23:00.000-04:00

So, I passed the GRE! YAY:)
Seriously- I think it was supernatural b/c I am so horrible at those tests and I did pretty darn good. It was so great to wake up this morning and have that burden off of my shoulders and now I can start applying to graduate school. I feel grown up.

My sister showed me this thing this weekend where you can see different parts of the world people are when they read your blog---I think that's wild. It's like I have a whole set of friends out there in the blogging world. It really would surprise me if many people actually read this thing, but thanks if you do----Sally, are you out there? My sweet imaginary friend.
Yes....what does that say about me??

So, I do want to share something of substance. Tonight I went to this Bible study on "Loving Well" & it was perfect timing b/c I have been just processing this whole concept of Love- what is love? What do I believe about love? What is truth when it comes to love? What are the lies about love that I believe? ect...
I feel like God has seriously been inundating me with lessons on love and just pictures of what LOVE IS NOT.

So, I love Grey's Anatomy---it's a fantastically entertaining and addicting show, and I am terribly saddened by the fact that they fired Dr. Burke. Anyways, on to my point.
I was watching the season finale this past season and there were many parts of the show that "got me", but there is this one part that really stuck with me. It's a dialog between Izzy and George---so, if you don't know. They are best friends, but George is married to Callie, but one night they got drunk and slept together and it's been chaos ever sense.
So- here' what Izzy says to George:

"I am an optimist. I am a fool. I am not sure. Because I'm your best friend, because I love you, if you want to be with Callie then I will do everything in my power to support you and help you make your marriage work. But, because I'm your best friend, because I love you, I also have to say....that I'm in love with you. I'm in love with you. I can't promise a future. I can't promise perfection, because we're us, I'm me and you're you. No one knows what will happen. But, in my heart- I am sure. I'm in love with you George. And I hope you're in love with me too."

So, what do you think about this? I have been thinking on this and having discussions on this one simple quote---crazy, huh? Just as I listened to this---I thought--- "wow, I have been so deceived". Let me elaborate.
I just feel like----as much as I LOVE that show---after this conversation between George and Izzy, everything in my spirit just cried out ---"No! This is not love" and I just saw---wow, how much am I letting this kind of thinking get into my spirit and alter my thoughts on love and my expectations of what love is supposed to look like? I mean---yes---the love that Izzy is feeling is passionate and is alive or something, but it's all about how she feels....it's all about her. If she truly was "in love" with George...wouldn't she want for him to honor the commitment that he has made in a marriage---and wouldn't she be able to set aside her feelings and maybe, just maybe even suffer a little bit to stand for something that is right? I know I know, you are probably thinking- wow, she is getting really worked up over a nightly soap opera. And, I am. And, I recognize that this is TV and that not everyone (especially Hollywood) believes the same things that I believe. But, really it's not even about that....for me it was just like one of those light-bulb moments.
B/c I have been in a relationship where I think I had seriously self-centered motives for what I thought love was supposed to look like. What it was supposed to do for me!

It's like the lightbulb has just gone off and I am seeing just how deceived I have been and how my view of love has been tainted and held captive to what the world, the culture around me says love is supposed to be.
The thing is---I am not on Grey's anatomy, I am not in Hollywood and even more than that---I call my self a follower of Jesus....so, therefore, I am called to a higher form of love. I have been called to do something that on my own---I am literally incapable of doing & that is to love just because.
To love because God has loved me...it's a love that is not self-seeking, but it a love that points to someone greater- it points back to God...it is a love that paints a beautiful picture of who the Creator is....b/c He is Love. God is love.
This is a self-less love.
A love that loves, just because.

In the Bible study that I was at tonight, I read these questions posed by Beth Moore on God's behalf:
Read them, think about them, let them draw you back into the self-less love of our God:

Do you realize that I came to meet with you?
Do you have any idea how much I love you? How taken I am with you?
Do you know that I have never forsaken you, nor will I reject you? I was there all along. I always will be.
Do you realize that I knew everything about you the day your were conceived? I anticipated your life and planned for it
You do have an enemy, My Child. But it is not Me. He wants you to think it is.
I am for you.
Do you think you need to prove yourself lovable to me? Deep down inside, are you trying to earn my love and attention?
As you strive to love Me more, do you realize the key to loving me more is to let me love you more?
Why are you resisting me? Why are you running from me?
To whom have you compared me, and with whom have you confused me?
I'm not like them.
I know what's happened. I know what's on your mind.
I alone know the plan for how this turns out well. I alone know how to prosper you through this.
My eyes and my affections are on you right now.
Quit trying to be so strong. Let Me be strong for you.
I love you unashamedly. Even now My banner flies over you. Everyone in the heavenlies knows how I feel about you. I'd leave you red-faced over my love for you...if you'd let me.

Random

2007-06-14T21:07:00.000-04:00

I finished a GRE Practice test about an hour ago and am seriously unmotivated to study----so I suppose when you are trying to avoid studying, some really random things will come to mind.

For some reason I started thinking about the Tsunami that hit South Asia on December 26th 2004. I don't know why I started to think about it- random...seriously out-of-the-blue things often come to my mind so it's not a huge surprise. Anyways, I found this video on youtube:

watch it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOsFBxhBsBk

As I watched this video, first I was just fascinated by nature and it's power and capabilities. Secondly, I just felt it...a rush of sadness and grief over how terrifying that moment must have been for some many people. It was just a beautiful day at the beach for so many tourists and another day of work for natives & everything changed in a moment. As I watched the video, I found myself becoming so fearful...yet- I know that doesn't even begin to compare to actually experiencing it.
The death toll for those multiple tsunamis is over 200,000...that's crazy. It's just so ridiculous how big the world is- that we can wake up and do our day-to-day and on another side of the world---in a moment (or a few moments) hundreds of thousands of people can be lost to the world.
I hate how unaffected I am most of the time, but I know you can't walk around just being completely destroyed by tragedy b/c you would be paralyzed b/c there is just so much of it in this world. But, still----I think I need to be more informed about the tragic happenings of this world---those that happen in a moment and even more- those that happen over a decade. It's so easy to live blind to the rest of the world. It's so comfortable.

But, i think if you force yourself to be in the know----i mean, educate yourself about issues of poverty, disease, injustice, oppression or even just the day-in/day-out turmoil of the impoverished of this world...if you force yourself to do what is hard---to look at them.....to look at the issues....to look at the needy who lost their loved-ones in South Asia in a moment....if you force yourself to look at them.....to not turn a blind-eye, then I think you will care enough to do something. you have care enough, right?

Wow- I am on a big soapbox. This is seriously hard for me.....I wrestle with this all the time...fighting living in guilt for my western, wealthy, comfortable life and asking God why me? and then fighting the other side of being so self-absorbed and materialistic that I can't even begin to look at someone else's need. It's so hard. I suppose that's just a battle you fight in this life.

I just rambled a bunch of stuff to who-knows-all....but if anything... tragedy like the tsunamis really make me recognize how fleeting life is. How in a moment...it can be over.

What is it to truly live?

2007-06-13T23:23:00.000-04:00

So, I've been thinking about how I automatically seem to function day-to-day out of my fears, anxieties, doubts....etc. Out of a "me" that would seemingly have no hope. Remember how the Bible says that we are a "new creation---the old has gone, the new has come?" So, why can't I get past it.

I suppose this is what they call Sanctification, but it's just so dang frustrating. i hate it.

But, freedom is worth a fight---that sounds so braveheart-ish and i am not meaning to sound cheesy. haha, I am always cheesy, but really. I think about that....in our natural selves....the selves where we are operating out of the "old"---which comes so naturally, so second nature...when we are operating out of this old place---we automatically go to a place of bondage. We go back to our shit....so-to-speak. but, the new self is worth fighting for. I think it must be, b/c this old self sucks. Am I making any sense at all?

I used to intern for an amazing organization called International Justice Mission-[http://www.ijm.org] its a Christian Human Rights group that is based out of DC and has offices all over the world. They are doing amazing things all in the name of Jesus---demonstrating God's heart for justice.

Anyways, I was just thinking about how- during my time there- I heard so many stories about young girls that they had rescued out of sex-slavery. These young girls, 8,9, 10, 15.... they had been tricked into getting a "job" that they thought was ligit b/c their family was in a desperate situation and then they were hidden away in dark holes----only to be taken out for sex....sometimes 30-40 men a day. Disgusting.

anyways, I say all this-- b/c IJM has encountered NUMEROUS girls who will GO BACK to the BROTHELS after IJM has rescued them! I mean- seriously, doesn't that seem unfathomable? The thing is- this is all they know- this has become their identity- they have been abused and lied to and made to feel that they deserve nothing more and that they have no hope of knowing anything more. sometimes, their families have turned their backs on them....they go back to what they know.

They go back to where they have been made to believe they belong.

Doesn't this sound familiar. I feel a little trite to compare my situation to a young girl being sexually abused, but in reality---it all comes from the prince of darkness and his lies. Doesn't it? Isn't that a good picture of the internal state of human beings----we cannot even accept the light, the hope, the FREEDOM, the LIFE that we have been brought into....not only can we not accept it, we fight it and go back to "what we know"----at least I do.

read these lyrics by nichole nordeman---she says it so well...

Did you come that we might just survive?
Did you come so we could just get by?
Did you walk among us
So we might merely limp along beside?

I was bound, I have been set free
But I have settled for apathy
Did you come to make me new
And know I'd crawl right back into the skin you found me in?

It's where I am, not where I've been

You make me want to live
You make me want to live
You came to shake us
And to wake us up to something more
Than we'd always settled for
And you make me want to live

We've all been up on the mountain top
A golden glow that?s bound to soon wear off
Then it's back to the mundane telling tales of glory days
When we were hopeful that this change was here to stay

So why would a young man
Live in a waste land
When the castle of his dreams is standing by?
Why would a princess
Put on an old dress
To dance with her beloved and a chance to catch his eye?

Did I speak too soon?

2007-06-12T14:28:00.000-04:00

Well, apparently...I am NOT addicted to blogging. Go figure, I already gave up so soon....I thought I would have at least lasted a little bit longer.
Well, i'm curious if people actually read this and if they do---then I am sorry that I have been MIA.
I have been studying my butt off for the GRE...you know that horrid Graduate Record Exam.
Analogies are the worst. I mean seriously- I cannot get them right. I know how the "GRE for Dummies" "Barron's book for the GRE" and the "Princeton Review" study book and all of them give me these little "Tips" that do me absolutely no good at all.
I already took the asinine (one of my words) test once and didn't get the score that I needed and of course I find myself waking up in the middle of the night thinking how I will never pass the GRE and never get into Grad school and therefore end up watching other people's children all of my life!!!!
wonderful
Ahh, if only I weren't so dramatic;)
So, other than that- my life has been pretty boring. I feel like i have been living in a whole- I seriously studied for 8 hours on Saturday and then went to babysit 3 little boys----hahha, I went to bed thinking how sad my life is.
you know the funny thing is that I actually enjoy babysitting on the weekends. It's only sad b/c somehow I have come to buy into this idea that you have to go out on the town on the weekends or else you are lame. I am such a homebody that enjoys just being low-key. Am i boring?

Has anyone seen the picture version of the "what's so amazing about grace?"--- it's so amazing!----hahha, i'm funny.
anyways, you should get it.
My favorite page has this picture of a string hanging high in the sky and then it says:
"God in heaven holds each person by a string. When you sin, you cut the string. Then God ties it up again, making a knot- and thereby bringing you a little closer to him.
Again and again your sins cut the string- and with each further knot God keeps drawing you closer and closer...."

That picture just gets me......I mean- I look at my sin and just think feel like I am so unworthy to come into God's presence so typically I just avoid him altogether until I can't avoid him anymore. But, I think----this crap just pushes me further and further away from him. And, the thing is----without Grace- that's exactly what the junk in our lives does. But, with Grace...we get to come into his presence b/c HE Draws us back---he draws us in---closer to him and says---"see, didn't you miss me? that wasn't all that great---don't do that again" So, the very thing that separates us can be the very thing that brings us closer to him. That's supernatural.
super god.

to quote bono-
"what once was lost, what once was friction, what left a mark- no longer stings, b/c grace makes beauty out of ugly things"

Good Day.

So, I'm addicted to blogging already...

2007-06-06T00:21:00.001-04:00

Go figure....I have an addictive personality. It's funny how crazy this whole online journal thing works b/c even if not a soul ever read this thing it's still comforting to be writing to the possibility of people out there....listening....b/c I think people who listen to you bring some sense of validity to what you are saying.
anyways- in light of all that....I have decided that I will create an imaginary friend that I will blog to...her name is Sally. It might be idiotic but it's more fun this way!
So, Sally- let the fun begin....
remember? This is a place for honesty.

So, I think that I have caused a few people to worry about me because of my previous posts----as I stated before---it was just oozing with melodrama. Now, that doesn't make it any less real or any less valid.
All that I am saying is - yea- I'm struggling. Yea, this is where I am. And, yea I am trying to find my faith once again....
I was talking with a good friend who reminded me of a really sweet part of the scriptures:
The saying is trustworthy, for:

If we have died with him, we will also live with him;
if we endure, we will also reign with him;
if we deny him, he also will deny us;
if we are faithless, he remains faithful-- for he cannot deny himself. [2 timothy 2]

This friend reminded me to focus on Jesus if I want to find my faith again----to focus on the essence of who God is----just WHO GOD IS if I want to find out who I am. This is good stuff...this is true. You know, I feel like for me---it's sometimes very difficult for me to accept simple truths. I am a romantic and I feel things very deeply and I want to be moved by just about everything in my life----so for me it's the same with my romance with Jesus....that's just it- I want it to be a romance. I feel like I can often fall into an abyss of confusion or something if I feel like I'm not being moved or deeply affected by him and his truth. I want more.
And, you know I think a good bit of that is how God made me so I don't think it's on accident. This is my journey.
I read something recently from that "Secrets of the Vine" book, which surprised me in how much I enjoyed it. Of course, I judged it just by the cover b/c it was way to similar to that Jabez book and by the same author. All I could think about was TFA 12th grade Bible class with mrs. jeffcoat when we had to recite the prayer of Jabez over and over again......ahhhhh.....misery. I hated jabez by the time that I was 18.
anyways, i read this----he talked about his journey of questions and doubts and he says that he made a choice to "seek God until he found HIM"....b/c you will indeed find him. And, how much more sweet it will be to find him after a long, dusty, hot, exhausting road to him.
The Bible says in James: "draw near to God and he will draw near to you".....So, I am making that choice [once again] to fight for faith....
Isn't it a crazy thought that people who know God and have a relationship with Him can somehow "lose" him. Oh watch out- don't freak out people....I'm not saying that you can lose your salvation....I don't think God goes anywhere. I just think it's fascinating how quickly we lose sight of him. I mean clearly God calls us in his word to draw near, to seek him....and I don't think he's talking about it being a one-time thing. But, I just think it's really very bizarre that we can have the Holy Spirit of God dwelling inside of us and yet get rather confused as to where he is. Well, I shouldn't even say "we" b/c it's me----I can. My heart and my head are at battle right now- they are bickering b/c my head is saying "dammit, laurie....just choose to believe. you know the truth [which is a valid statement] and my heart is saying ---"but it's just not that easy...." My head is saying "He's right here....He has never left you" and my heart is saying "ah, i'm just so confused, I'm just so lost, I'm just so all alone".
I mean, seriously, this is truly bizarre.
So, this blog addiction needs to end for the night b/c it's almost 1am and I am not a late nighter!
But, all this talk about God and questions and God's love and my faithlessness makes me think of Bethany Dillon. Ah, I love her. I think that we should be best friends. She gets me. I get her.
anyways- such a cool song that jesus showed me a few years ago:

"My love hasn't grown cold"
You shake your head
What is so hard to believe?
When you are in your bed
I sing over you the sweetest things

Because oh, my love does not tire
I'm awake when the moon is full
And I know the times when you feel lost
And you just aren't sure

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

You cold steal away in the middle of the night
And hide in the light of day
While you cloak yourself in the darkest lies

But oh my love, it swims in the deepest oceans of fear
And as soon as you lower your head
I am here

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

If only you could see
How heaven stills when you speak
I know all your days
And I have wrapped you in mystery

And oh, my love for you
Is as wide as the galaxies
Just hold out your hand and close your eyes
And come be with me

Lo and behold
My love hasn't grown cold
For you

hmmm, thank you sweet Jesus. thank you for accepting me in questions.

Help "Fellow Bloggers"

2007-06-05T13:24:00.000-04:00

So, I cannot figure out how to make changes on my postings----I mean, perhaps I am an idiot. So, help me if you have advice or wisdom into this blogging thing.

So, the song- well.......i guess this is what I am wondering...Maybe there's a loving God.
I know this logically in my head--- of course I know this to be true, but how has it changed me? I guess that's what I am struggling with. How come I am no different? Maybe I am different, and maybe all the responsibility of change lies on my shoulders----perhaps I am overanalyzing this....it wouldn't be the first time. Unfortunately, things are never simple with me. I wish I was more simple-minded.
Anyways, so, I just have been asking myself that question of how would I be different if I truly believed that I had a Father in heaven who was not only real but loved me-----I mean, I'm not talking about just knowing this in my head....I am talking about believing this so deeply that it changed the very essence of who I am....that it was what I lived for and something that I would be willing to die for....that everything that I did and the decisions that I made were "held up" by this truth----by this fact that there really was a loving God.
So, yes....I know this in my head but I'm not where I want to be in my heart....not yet.

The rest of the song....

2007-06-05T11:18:00.001-04:00

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Maybe I was made this way
To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot
But maybe there's a loving God

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Am I going down that road again?

2007-06-05T10:39:00.000-04:00

So, about a year and half ago I was really struggling. I mean facing questions that I have never faced before, fears that I had never faced before and I fell into depression. It all started when I started to see a counselor and "unpack" my life.
Okay, so this is a place to be honest...so I am really going to be honest...
Anyways, I am a huge advocate for everyone getting counseling or psychotherapy or whatever you want to call it, but with it comes a really rough road. It's like I was digging up all this crap in my life and I just didn't even know what to do with it. I felt paralyzed. It got better and light came but not until I went into a really dark place. So, everyone around me like my family and close friends were like----what are we going to do with her? I remember one day my dad called me and he had spoken with a doctor friend who had "diagnosed" me over the phone----even though he didn't know what to do with me. I think my father just needed to have some sense of control over my struggles and he tried like hell to get it. That didn't work. Anyways, looking back I realize there was not "diagnosis"- I just was where I was.
Lately, I question whether that familiar place is coming full circle.
I am definitely a dreamer....a critic....and second-guess just about everything and everyone----so yet once again I find myself in a place of questioning. I'm thinking that perhaps I never really left that place- perhaps I was just distracted for a while.
so, I'm a christian or as they like to say nowadays- I'm a "christ-follower". I have asked Jesus to save me from my sins, to forgive me and come into my life and change me. Actually, I am asking him to do that over and over again, but the thing that I am facing right now is....
If there's a supernatural God and He truly has changed me then how come I don't feel changed? How come I feel stuck? How come it's so hard for me to have faith in Him? in His goodness?
How come I feel so alone? I know...I know....I sound ridiculously melodramatic- deal with it cause this is a place of honesty.
This is my problem...I know all the right answers. All my life I have been told that faith is not about how you feel...feelings change. Faith is about making a choice to believe in what you cannot see. Some days that is easier than others and lately it has been truly hard. Cause I really wanna feel that there is a supernatural God who has changed me...who loves me.
My friend introduced me to this new song that I cannot stop listening to and I admit that it probably just nurtures my melodrama, but I like it anyways. It's by Sara Groves and it seems to take me back to a year ago when I was in my funk and my family was like- "ah, what are we going to do with her?"
here's the lyrics-

Maybe There's A Loving God Lyrics
Artist(Band):Sara Groves

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I'm trying to work things out
I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result
Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me
The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars in the sky

I have another meeting today
With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say
I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive
I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

They have a chart and a graph
Of my despondency
They want to chart a path
For self-recovery
And want to know what I'm thinking
What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard
Staring up at the stars and the moon

Maybe this was made for me
For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought
Or maybe there's a loving God

Here Goes...

2007-06-04T18:31:00.000-04:00

Honestly, I just feel stuck right now and I've tried this whole internet posting thing or blogging thing before but I always felt like I was "trying" way too hard b/c it seemed to be the trendy thing to do for our generation. Well, and I guess that I am just gonna go ahead and fully jump on this bandwagon but it's more than that--- I think.
I'm sitting here on my couch and having one of those moments like usual when I am just completely lost in thought and can't seem to get any clarity- so, I thought- "hell, it works for some people on this blogging thing"- maybe it will work for me.
I think it's funny or strange to think that people would actually read this and make comments, but maybe you will...
I'd like to think that this can be a place of honesty and perhaps community----and maybe even some internal freedom....is that just crazy?
As I said before, I feel just really stuck right now. Stuck in life- in my place in life, stuck in my relationships with people, and in my relationship with Jesus. I don't even know how to articulate it. I used to find great freedom in journaling but lately I have not been journaling at all- I usually just wanna talk to someone- so this is like the best of both worlds- journaling and "talking" to friends online and probably a whole lot of strangers.